ADHD Informed Therapist?

Hi all. Long time lurker and finally posting. Part seeking empathy and part asking for help.

Request: How does one find a good couple’s counselor who specializes in ADHD relationships and is trauma informed?

Background: My husband (32m, dx, rx) and I (31f, ndx/nt) are contemplating a future that neither one of us supposedly wants—separation and divorce. We’ve been married for over 8 years, together or friends for almost a decade, and I’m exhausted. I’m burned out and so very very tired.

I come from a good family whose parents practiced gentle parenting before it had that name. I’m close with my family still and successful academically and now professionally. I don’t have any attachment style issues I identify with and thought that when I met my husband that I finally found someone that could be an amazing, creative, loving partner. We shared similar interests, beliefs, and future goals.

The last 8 years have been hell. While in law school as a full-time student and working full time for 2/3 of that time, my grandma, grandpa, and most devastatingly, my dad, all died. I was called while in class by my husband’s new psych to make the call of whether husband to place him in a psychiatric facility for suicidal ideation. I did and visited him in the hospital every day for the next two weeks while prepping for finals. He was later diagnosed with major depression, generalized anxiety, and (later) ADHD. He is now recognizing the shitty, traumatic childhood he had and is also exploring if BPD and ASD are also accurate diagnoses for him.

He’s in therapy, seeing a psychiatrist (one of the best in the state and who does not take insurance), and also gets whatever he says he needs to function. Wants to pick up journaling to process stuff? Let’s go to the store and you can pick up whichever one you want. Want to try a new physician because the one your seeing isn’t meshing with you? Go for it. Curious about trying a new task management system? Sounds awesome and I’ll support you all the way. Nothing seems to last more than a few days and the distractibility, RSD, time blindness, and so on is back.

Meanwhile, when I needed support, he couldn’t be there for me. When my dad was diagnosed with ALS and I lived with my mom in the months immediately following his death, I got two phone calls from him asking how I was doing. Two. Once I came home, he admitted that I’ve been right all these years when I said he needed to learn to manage his symptoms. I think he’s forgotten that entire conversation at this point. When I saw I’m lonely and need to spend time with him, he agrees verbally but then spends the next 6-10 hours in the garage, is angry when he gets pulled away, and takes it out on me. When I say that have a clean house (small clutter is fine but throw away the receipts, garbage, empty bags, etc.) because it makes me feel good and helps me focus? Nope. Chore wars? Daily battle. Financial infidelity? My life for my entire marriage. If I say, “Hey. You said you were going to to this and it’s not done and it hurts my feelings.” he either gets angry at me or spirals into a shame and self-hatred pit of despair.

All the books, forums, and groups say that the ndx/nt partner should inform themselves and I’ve spent hours of my life researching ADHD to know it better. I’ve read the books and have worked through a lot of my own issues. It doesn’t seem to matter, though. When I try to hold him accountable (in usually what starts off in a sad or gentle tone because angry sets him off), i’m manipulative, coercive, and controlling.

We are now seeking a couples counselor who is knowledgeable about all of this who can help us navigate, but I’m losing faith. Just last night my husband somewhat angrily said if we don’t get help, then our marriage is doomed. It is. How do we find a good therapist who can work with all of this, though? Any suggestions?

Edited to add: Thank you everyone for your suggestions. He walked out tonight and is going to stay with family for the foreseeable future as he does not view me as a safe person. At this point, I’m not sure if reconciling is in our future based on what he said.