Just to get off my chest.

Hello everyone. This may be a long paragraph. I can use any advice on how to move forward and or just to hear what people have to say. Me and my boyfriend have been together over a year. We live together. (I know too soon but I was stupid) Anyway, I’m just stuck. We recently broke up and he’s moving out but he’s so angry. This all started because he ran out of weed. He’s so reliant on it for his emotions that when he runs out he becomes such a different person. He ran out yesterday and it started this huge argument. I’m honestly not entirely sure what even started it. But he said he was leaving and done with me and calling me a bitch and a lot of other things. Saying we had a good run but he’s done. It was a long long night. Regardless. I know he has lots of past trauma from his life before me and I’ve tried my best to support him. I’ve tried to be there emotionally and even financially for a while. And I was fine with it. But it started getting to the point his mental health was declining and I was paying for all the bills while going to work and he stayed home. We had a lot of house issues and car issues and we were down bad for money. It started to eventually affect me. I stopped going to work. I got so depressed. I didn’t know what to do anymore. We started getting in arguments and it came to the point he would start to pull his gun on himself and say he doesn’t wanna live. He had proceeded to do that multiple times throughout the last 6 months. It really fucked with me. All I could picture was him standing there with the gun to his head or his mouth. I felt traumatized and was so scared he would do something to himself so I started to stay home with him even more. Stopped going to work for even longer. My mental health declined significantly. I was in a hole. But now he says im the reason he is back in the dark hole and I just don’t know what I did to do that. I guess this is just a rant. I know it’s probably best for him to leave and figure out his own mental health and become a better version of himself. I just hate that it’s happening this way. Has anyone maybe gone through something the same? I want to stay and help him through it cause I love him, but I know he doesn’t want me to and that hurts. My heart is broken and I can’t sleep or eat. It’s awful. I don’t wish heartbreak on no one. I know I can’t make him stay and I won’t force or beg someone to be with me. But I want to help him. I hate seeing him be so depressed and suicidal and he refuses therapy. And at the end of the day I want him happy even after everything he has said to me and put me through which there’s a lot that I don’t think should be said online but. I feel like I’m in dark place and for some reason I came to Reddit and I just hope some people can give me some type of relief. Idk. I don’t have enough money for therapy. I’m so much in debt. I have no desire to go to work or be around anyone. I just want him. And I know that’s unhealthy but fuck. Love fucking hurts.