Was just SA'd nd I wanna unalive myself so badly.

Continuation of yesterday's post,18F ig I am indeed unfit and incapable of protecting myself. There's this guy I've been talking to for more than a year, we've met several times before, but he has a lot on his head nd I can't commit. So we decided it's best to not get into it any further nd just stay friends. I went to the zoo nd I mentioned the outing today coz I was elated about my family finally letting me out nd getting to ride the bicycle again after 8 whole years. He asked till when I'm staying, I told him I'll be there for an hour,the first mistake I made... The next, he actually ended up showing up,my friends were there over there, so I dragged him seperately nd asked what was up, he told let's just go around n talk. I took him to the park nd played on the swing. Before going to the park he pointed to a couple nd told he has his hand over her shoulder, he asked if he could do the same... I didn't even process it.. Nd his hands were already around my shoulder, then he took them off. While going around nd seeing the animals, I agree... I was the one who made the mistake first, this is my second mistake. I initiated holding hands, then we were talking about our lives. I told him I'd a date coming up in two weeks. He suddenly got aggressive, he grabbed my hand with force, nd the back of my neck nd asked me how dare I mention it right when I'm holding his hands, idk, maybe I'm actually the bad girl here like he said,maybe I'm the one at fault, then he took me to a place where monkeys were visible, held the back of my neck nd my shoulder nd pressed his boner against me... I shoved his hands away, I asked him to go on... He groped me, I was just stunned. I've previously been through CSA nd was SA'd when I was 12 through 16, my coping mechanism in dealing with it was silence... Just letting it pass, but I pushed his hands away, I couldn't tell no, idk why, but I can never bring myself to tell no in such situations. Then he asked me to go to another place, I told I've to go back my friends might be searching for me. Then he asked me to talk to him after I get back nd went his way nd I went back to my friends, all of them noticed smtg wrong with me nd kept asking me what was wrong,a close friend of mine even asked if the dude who you knew was being problematic... I really wanted to tell yes. But I couldn't, I pretended nothing was wrong n kept smiling n talking n laughing like nothing happened while feeling like shit, feeling disgusted with myself.. Wanting to jump from the terrace of our hostel or infront of the buses passing by. Idk, he got me a gift, he has gotten me gifts before, I tried to reason with myself that maybe he's trying to get repaid in this way, though I never asked for those gifts,maybe I'm just sick in the head. Maybe I just deserve this, maybe I deserve all the abuse I get to make up for the things I gained in life, maybe I don't deserve to live well nd maybe in a way I deserve to die.

For those wondering how this took place in public nd no-one noticed, I realised he targetted blind spots where the public won't look much nd I was in front of him.

For people suggesting therapy, I've been seeing a psychiatrist for four months.. He's a seventy plus dude, though he is quite open minded nd understanding, I haven't even mentioned the SA from 12-16 yr old part, just mentioned the CSA when I was 3. I really can't tell him about this.

Thanks for taking your time to read this post, ig I needed a place to vent, thanks for giving me that nd hearing what I'd to say.