i just cant. do. therapy.

After literally 6+ months of trying to hype myself up to send basic introductory emails to therapists, I finally managed about a week ago. I’ve gotten several follow up emails, and I just can’t do it. Especially now, when they actually want information about me, specifically, and the spectre of an actual therapeutic relationship is on the horizon. Fuckin’ terrifying. I’ve already been a dick by ghosting them for a week, and they probably won’t even want to work with me because now they think/know I’m flaky.

If I managed to make an appointment, I’d be incredibly anxious but I would be able to show up. I know that about myself, but they don’t. Why would they put their energy into talking to somebody who, for all they know, won’t show up to an appointment? I feel so bad about myself.

Even if, in my replies, I told them about my avoidance issues… it would explain why I’m acting like this, but still wouldn’t make me seem worth their time.

Am I just doomed to be a sad little lump of a person forever? I can’t even try to get better without pussying out.