Whatever stage this is.

I'm not quite sure what I'm feeling at this point. I still miss her or what she promised me, I don't know how to define that. I'm also becoming a bit disgusted with her behavior now that I'm further removed from the spell of my attraction to her. The immaturity, selfishness, refusal of accountability, disinterest in active participation toward self improvement, etc. The way her words were so different than her actions. The list goes on. I also have this image of her in my mind that is the woman I wanted to spend my life with. Then again, anyone I would feel that way toward wouldn't have thrown me (or anyone) away for the made-up reasons she discarded our relationship, let alone in the way she did. I have this hole in my heart that feels like it can only be repaired by her yet I know that likely won't ever happen. It does feel true, that the person I was in love with was who she wanted me to believe she was but the person she showed herself to be is the real her. That meanness that would come out whenever she felt criticized because something she did hurt my feelings... I just hate to believe that reality. It's so disappointing. I know that she's probably going to remain the same but I still wish she would just come back healed. I miss the woman I loved, even if she was mostly an act. It's amazing to me that these people can be so self aware, so in love, yet so crippled by their fear. I do feel a little bad for them as it must be awful to live in this constant cycle of thinking you've found someone and then getting paralyzed by fear of emotional intimacy. At the same time, they create their own misery and project it onto those that try to love them in spite of it. I'd forgive her if she gave me the chance.

Edit: spelling