I am NOT the Original Poster. That is Desperate-General326. He posted in r/uklaw

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: ok ending

Original Post: January 19, 2025

Title: I advised a fellow trainee about a wardrobe malfunction and now have a meeting scheduled with HR due to accusations of sexual harassment. Looking for advice as I feel sick with worry.

Hi all,

Made this as a throwaway to protect my identity. Sorry if this isn't really the right place but not sure where else to post and need some advice.

I'm a trainee at a decently sized City firm. Earlier this week, I was walking behind one of my fellow (female) trainees and noticed that their underwear (thong style) was showing above their skirt. She had come out of the bathroom 15 seconds or so before so I imagine she just had noticed.

I thought of ignoring it but then knew she could have been attending a client meeting or similar, so I just ran up to her and said "hey X, sorry to point this out and wasn't sure whether to say anything, but your thong is showing above your skirt". She looked embarrassed but thanked me and readjusted her skirt. We then made awkward small talk before we went in different directions.

I hadn't thought anything more of it until I got an email from HR on Friday saying that I was being investigated for sexual harassment and have been asked to attend a meeting. I am aware that this is what it was about and now feel sick with worry; I have barely eaten or slept this weekend.

There was nothing sexual or suggestive intended by my comments and was trying to look out for my colleague in a professional capacity. I wouldn't say we're particularly close but we get on well and I'd consider her a friend at least. Should I message her to apologise and explain?

I've never been in a situation like this before and extremely worried about losing my TC because of a misunderstanding.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: First off, DO NOT message the fellow trainee now you’re subject to an investigation. Even if your intentions are good, messaging someone who has accused you of sexual harassment while an investigation is ongoing will not benefit your cause.

In terms of how to handle it, attend the meeting and explain exactly what happened. With how you’ve described it, I don’t think they would have a case to answer. The only slightly red flag I see is commenting on the style of the underwear, but I’m sure that wasn’t intended to be creepy (as you’ve said).

I’m sure it will all be fine but just cooperate with HR, answer any questions and give your account honestly and directly.

OOP: Thank you for the comment, that’s really reassuring. I will make sure not to message her.
I couldn’t tell you why I mentioned the underwear style. There was no creepy intention at all, I guess it’s like I would always refer to my own underwear as “boxers” rather than underwear and I don’t see a difference if it’s not in a sexual context.
I will make sure to explain this and cooperate fully. 

Commenter: You cannot help how someone perceived this, all you can do now is explain you were bringing what you thought was a wardrobe malfunction to her attention and hope that common sense prevails.

Good luck!

OOP: Thank you, that’s a helpful comment and I’ll try to do so.
I really hope common sense prevails too but would you see any risk? I’m just struggling to see how advising a colleague that a thong was showing could be interpreted as sexual harassment. I’m sure that would be preferable than having it on show or being bluntly told by a superior?

Commenter: You need to be careful in the meeting. Do not assume anything. It’s quite possible that the investigation is broader than this one (seemingly innocuous) incident. You should ask precisely what is being investigated and what is alleged to have happened and for copies of any written complaint and documents supporting it. If any facts are asserted that you have not had prior notice of then ask for time to consider them. You should defend yourself robustly but do so with all of the facts at hand.

OOP: Thank you. I have racked my brain and I cannot think of anything else that could be construed as sexual harassment other than this, and the timing makes sense. However, I'll go in expecting anything.

Update Post: January 26, 2025 (1 week later)

Hi everyone.

Sorry for the lack of engagement with my previous post after the initial responses. It was an overwhelming time and I didn't expect the post to blow up the way it did. Nonetheless, I really appreciate all the comments and thoughts and I read all of them in preparation for the meeting. As plenty of people asked, I thought I would provide an update.

I went to the HR meeting (in what was effectively a disciplinary meeting) early this week. I was offered the chance to have a representative present but I was confident in my own position and decided against doing so.

I was told the reasoning for the meeting which was exactly as many of you thought: a female colleague had felt uncomfortable and sexually harassed by how I'd approached her and commented on her underwear in the office, particularly the use of the word "thong", which she considered to be intrusive and sexually motivated. She detailed that she wears thongs for practical reasons in the office and it's not my business to comment on what she chooses to wear (I'd appreciate any comments but this seems somewhat ridiculous? I'm not disputing she can wear thongs to the office and they may be practical but are they construed as sexual? Or was that just her interpretation? Anyway..)

I remained calm and explained my position. I said that I just wanted to prevent another colleague from potential embarrassment when I was aware that her underwear was showing. As for my use of the word "thong", I said that in no way was this meant to be sexually motivated, and I was just factually describing what I saw which was that the style was a thong.

I asked if any other accusations had been levelled against me, but I was told that this was the only incident that had been reported (which somewhat put me at ease as I had been stressed thinking of anything else that I could have been blamed for).

I also queried how else I should have approached the situation and whether it would have been better to say nothing or just used an alternative word to "thong" (despite my assertions that it was factually correct). The HR rep answered that whilst a final decision would not be made and my answers would be taken into account, it's better to use completely neutral language in a work setting that cannot be taken out of context. I disagreed (and felt I did use such language) but said I understood as to not seem difficult.

I was told I would be informed of the outcome as soon as possible after the meeting. I was informed the next day via email that they were happy that no misconduct had taken place and that as the disciplinary process had concluded, no further action would be taken.

I have to say I'm relived that common sense has prevailed because this did take a mental toll. I haven't seen my colleague since this has all gone down and will make every effort to keep a distance from now on. I'll remain civil but keep any conversations strictly neutral and work related. I really hope this doesn't impact my chances of converting my TC, but I'm not worrying about that now.

Oh and for future reference, I'm both never commenting if I see a wardrobe malfunction or using the word "thong" again, so lessons learned!

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: delighted for you. not sure why even I'm gonna be afraid of calling a thong a thong from now onwards.

OOP: I was more surprised that someone saying they wear a thong for practical purposes (presumably to avoid underwear lines) is now saying they're sexual? Unless they think that's just how they are interpreted by the male gaze.

Commenter: I’m sorry, I can’t get over the fact this woman was wearing a thong and got offended when someone called it a thong

OOP: I agree. The way I interpreted it (at least from how it was explained) was that she wears thongs for practical reasons and not to be sexualised and deemed my use of the word to be in a sexual context. Makes little sense to me either.

Commenter: Since asked, thongs are just a practical normal lightweight underwear choice, in every office in every building in the country someone is wearing a thong in a totally not sexual way. Some thongs are very sexualised (think lingerie options from somewhere like HoneyBirdette), some just aren’t (think normal cotton matched sets from Calvin Klein).

Thongs OTOH are sexualised by many and most women wouldn’t be comfortable with a man at work paying sufficient attention to a wardrobe malfunction to identity the underwear style chosen. Saying thong brings the potential for staring into play, whereas generic underwear terms don’t. I would say the same for mentioning branding on the underwear. It may be factually accurate to refer to a wardrobe malfunction as “Tommy Hilfiger laced knickers” but you hear that this is weird right? Factually accurate and not making someone uncomfortable are simply not mutually exclusive.

For neutral language, just say “head up, you may want to adjust your skirt at the back, your underwear is a bit on show”.

OOP: Thanks for the info. The first paragraph I assumed was the case and of course I know that women wear them for practical reasons. My ex-girlfriend did as her daily underwear of choice, and I know that wasn't for sexual reasons, it was just her preference.
I understand they are sexualised and I'm sure many people wear them only when they intend to be sexual or dress up. But all noted!