is anyone else here an avoidant

i think that being ignored by men my entire life has made me develop hyper-independence as a defense mechanism. like, as much as i crave affection, i think i subconsciously avoid men and relationships completely, just to protect myself from the disappointment ill feel when i find out he doesn’t feel the same. ive learnt from a young age that i cannot be vulnerable or depend on a man, because ive never met a man who’s dependable, and yes, im talking about my dad.

im so desperate to be loved, and cared for, and protected, but im at the point where even if a guy by some miracle did see something special in me and asked me out, i don’t know if ill say yes. being alone hurts, but its so familiar that its comforting, and the idea of giving another man control over me, my feelings, and just trusting them blindly, genuinely terrifies me.