The quitter hath quit.
Put my 2 weeks in, lasted another hour. My boss pulled me into her office to yell about how "unprofessional" I was, how I needed to "work on myself", and that I was going to fuck her over by not coming in. Entire time I did not raise my voice once. Just kept saying the minutiae didn't matter anymore, because the resolution was the same. I'm leaving. None of my concerns were going to be taken seriously anyways, so I was just done. You're not going to yell in my face after I've realized you aren't shit, and am out the door anyways. You have the wrong girl.
What's funny to me is the way ego can ruin a kitchen. Had you created a safe environment for your employees to come to you, instead of a weird mix of bully/ignore/gaslight, you wouldn't be facing employee retention issues. If you took some of the criticism you received to heart, maybe you'd finally have the characteristics needed to be a good manager. I've honestly never met a weaker, more pitiful character with an ego and no evidence to back it up.
Thank you to everyone who saw my posts, gave me feedback, and urged me to leave a toxic environment. I'm honestly shocked at the unprofessionalism she showed, and it only hammered in the fact that this place was never going to be for me.
Good fucking riddance. That is all. Rant over, job over, new life pending.