Now I’m the Perpetrator??

Hi all,

I’m now almost 2 months post DDay. I caught my husband of 10 years having an EA for the last 3.5 months. It’s been a rollercoaster. We have two young children (2 yo and 10 month old) and he’s flip-flopped from being remorseful and wanting this marriage to wanting out and we’re now filing for legal separation. He’s been out of the house since December 10th (DDay).

I’ve stated on numerous occasions that I want this marriage and apologized for the parts that I’ve caused that led us to this point. But now I’m getting pissed.

He told me last week that his therapist said that he’s ‘never seen a spouse as abused as him’ and ‘he has every right to leave the marriage’. He’s now telling me that I’ve been severely emotionally and at times physically abusive towards him and that’s why he had the affair.

I honestly thought we were happy for the last 10 years. We struggled with the usual marital woes like conflict resolution but to be called emotionally abusive all of a sudden?? He didn’t start using this verbiage until after he was caught the first time (I caught him 3 times). What he’s calling abuse is:

- I’ve been emotionally and sexually withdrawn; cold after a long day; manipulative.

I have been all of those things at some point or another in our marriage. I had two babies in two years and I’m still nursing and getting up at night with the youngest. But to call this emotional abuse and grounds for divorce and an affair - wtf?? And how convenient is it that after he gets caught that he starts calling it out?? So I humoured him for a while and I apologized and asked him for an opportunity to change. To which he said he doesn’t want me to try. Why am I fighting for reconciliation when he had the affair?? We’ve also been a part of a robust community for our entire marriage and if I’ve been as abusive as he claims then it would’ve seeped through somehow and been more obvious but EVERYONE is so confused. Is this normal behaviour after an affair within this timeframe?

We’re both in IC but his counsellor is a piece of work buying his whole sob story without consulting me and essentially ruining our chances for reconciliation. And now the affair is such a moot point because it’s become about my abuse. It just feels like another betrayal. My heart can’t take much more so we’ve decided to move forward with legal separation.