How do I forgive myself?

All the time and money wasted. All the opportunities missed. All the pain (emotional only, never physical) I’ve caused my wife. I was two semesters away from a degree in finance but instead I’ve been working a crappy retail job for 17 years. My wife, the saint, has forgiven me and I’m still relatively young at 39. I’m finally making a career change that I genuinely feel GREAT about. I lost over 100 pounds. My drinking is much more in control than it used to be. I slipped 2 days ago, the last one being almost 300 days before that. This slip finally prompted the realization of why I’m so mad all the time. I’m mad at myself. I’ve turned it around in so many areas of my life, but the thing that really kills me is I’ve robbed myself of the chance to be a father and that one ain’t never coming back. My wife is a few years older than me and it was a long shot 10 years ago. I’m so tired of being mad all the time, but I just don’t see how I can forgive myself. I would like to see someone, but I really can’t afford it. I figured there must be a lot of people in a similar boat here. Any advice? Or maybe a book that would be helpful? Thanks so much, I tried to keep it short-ish.