I can not accept myself

Hi everyone, posting from a new account for personal security reasons. I am a guy in his early 20s who has been struggling with his sexuality for a very long time now. I seem to be romantically attracted to girls but sexually to men (more like their penises) but I absolutely hate seeing gay couples as I find it gross. No offense I just overreact to it. Could be the culture I was brought up in. Either way it is making me suffer and every day I feel like I am going against my own will to please the society. I have absolutely nobody to talk about this with and I don't know how much longer I can keep shit show going. When I was a kid I would have fantasies about having sex with men but I assume over time as I got older I got to see what the treatment of gay people is like here and what opinions are shared about them, how many threats I heard about killings and stuff and I just got very closed off and became disgusted of myself. I have 0 way of self expression and have to keep too much to myself and never show or share as that will likely result in me no longer having family best case scenario. I guess all I want is some advice. What would be the best course of action for me now? I can give more context if necessary I just wanted this off my chest as I have been feeling very down lately. Thank you to whoever reads this and have a good day.