The Void

(Im not confident this is poetry but perhaps its poetry enough to belong here. Please let me know if not. Best wishes)

When you lose your religion it’s an angry feeling. Sixteen years and now my life is an accident. Your morals don’t change. Your desire for a higher purpose stays the same. The difference is the void where God was.

You read a lot of books and try on different world views. You shop around for meaning. The cynic quickly dismembers any candidates. You turn to women. But no one person can fill a space left by God.

Your community was the church. They are happy to have an atheist in their midst. A willing victim. Each believes they will be the one to save you. Time passes and they begin to realize the depth of your disbelief. You are an outsider once again.

Drugs come next. Innocent enough at first. Nicotine, alcohol, maybe marijuana. Addiction forms so subtly that you don’t notice it. The void is filled, and you are thankful for that, but the body and mind suffer. The darkness creeps back.

You kick habits and crawl back to them in a cycle of abuse. Psychedelics find you. The universe opens on its hinges. You see the strings of the marionette. Its incredible to stand in it and above it. The meaning of life itself reveled. 

There is a period of relief. The grand puzzle solved. You don’t need to run anymore. Yet something begins to gnaw. At first you deny it. But the void makes itself known. The meaning of life is only light and shadows. It has no substance. It can fill nothing.

You are tired. Not in body but soul. The water is cold but swimming has worn you thin. Let go. Sink. Your body relaxes and the depth comes up around you. It is against every instinct, but you allow the water to fill your lungs. To fill the void.

The pain remains but, in your acceptance, there is relief. You know now that the searching is over. The striving is done. Now you live out the rest of your life. A drown man. Cold, wet, dying slowly but at peace in a watery grave.