I’m so so sorry .

I’m crying rn . I had gone to a mental hospital for 1 week and I was clean off 7oh and didn’t realize the shit I got myself into . It’s completely destroyed my life . I’ve dropped out of 2 colleges . Left /fired from 3 jobs . Losing family and friends because I’m asking them for money all the time . Spent ALL my money on kratom think 30-40 a day and that adds up . Using all my GI bill housing allowance and now I’m not even going to the school . I did subboxone while at the hospital and it was a rapid taper and took last 2mg dose 2 days ago . These past few days have been hell . I’m sick . Physically and mentally . I got kicked out of my moms house and hurt myself pretty bad . She let me back in with a warning 1 week later . She doesn’t understand the scope of it and all I want is compassion from her . And yes I’m the guy who stole money from her . These last 2 years have been nothing but chasing the next dose and it feels like a fever dream and beginning to slip away I can feel it I don’t even feel normal anymore and on top of that having a history of being sexual assaulted and people taking pictures of me and all around feeling like the world wants to destroy me or something . I wish I had been born into a better family . I wish I had sincere friends . I wish god would reveal himself to me and save me . I betrayed myself today . I relapsed . I feel so awful . This dark cloud above my life . Feeling so lonely and broke . Not having that zest anymore . It’s getting to a point dudes .