Good news! A part of me died today

I (71F) was raised by an abusive "mother," who shall henceforth be known as Jan. She died a few years ago, mostly alone (except for my brother) and definitely unmourned. In fact, we considered throwing a party.

A part of her lives on in me as the voice in the back of my head, telling me I'm a stupid idiot, to get off my lazy ass, that I am useless, and that I am despised, that I can't even kill myself right. You know the one; the one that berates you for any mistake or failure, and the one that denies you any feelings of success by saying it's not good enough. However well you do, you could have done better.

I have rented a room from a man about my own age for the last 4-1/2 years, who we shall call Jackson. Today, he gave me 60-day notice to move out. It's a complicated situation that has to do with who inherits his house when he dies, which he thinks may be soon. I have to move out on the insistence of the "friend" he is leaving it to because her dad came up with a scheme to make the inheritance less complicated for her. This idea doesn't really benefit Jackson at all, it just makes things easier for the "friend."

So, I was disappointed, sad, hurt, and angry at the news. I went in my room to process, and thought it was weird that I wasn't overwhelmed and didn't panic. I am agoraphobic, with a lot of anxiety about certain things, and in the past, overwhelmed and panicked would have been my go-to after what happened. Instead, I sat with my feelings for a bit, and then went right into "ok, what needs to be done?" mode. I need to find a place to live, pack my stuff, and move. (I have moved a zillion times in my life, so it's really not a big deal to me.) With a little help from my nieces, piece of cake! Problem solved.

A little later, I went out to the kitchen for a cup of coffee and chatted with Jackson for a few minutes, then took my coffee back to my room. I was thinking, that was different. Shouldn't I be short and cold with him? Shouldn't I be glaring at him and making my displeasure known? Shouldn't I be stomping around and slamming doors, making him feel my wrath? Shouldn't I be giving him the Silent Treatment? Doesn't the situation warrant that kind of behavior?

Well, no. I wasn't feeling any of those things. I love Jackson like a brother, and I don't feel like treating him that way. I am still disappointed, hurt, sad, and a little angry, but those are my feelings to manage.

Talking with my therapist later, I realized that those feelings that I wasn't having belong to Jan. It was her voice that wanted me to act like that. And I didn't, because I didn't want to.

That part of Jan is dead forever. I am sure that other parts of her are still left in there to torture me, but now I know I can slay the evil monsters, one by one.

I feel lighter, and there is a new space in my chest where there used to be a heavy, cold, hard rock. I can breathe better now. My God, I feel free!

Thanks for reading. This sub is the best!