I speak very negatively out loud to myself. Does anyone else do this?

TW for talk of suicide

I say very negative things to myself out loud. I guess I'd call it a compulsion at this point. It's extremely embarrassing and I even have trouble talking about it with my therapist. The self talk comes about when I remember negative experiences. Usually the memories are related to abuse that I went through or times long ago when I was younger (late teens/early 20s) and acted in ways that I would not today.

The self talk is usually something along the lines of "that really hurt" or "I hate myself" or "such a bad person" referring to myself. What I say that most is however is "I want to kill myself." I'm not in any way suicidal, at all. I'm actually in a better place emotionally, physically, relationship-wise then I've ever been.

The self talk about killing myself usually happens when I remember things I am ashamed about, even though I was much younger when the events happened. I say it with a tone of disappointment in myself as a person, even though the "punishment" for messing up as a kid is not dying. (Punishment isn't even relevant. People are allowed to make mistakes and grow. That's what being young means.)

I guess I just carry a lot of disappointment and regret in myself. As well, the inherent feeling that I need to be punished. And the unhealthy idea that I should have been perfect in the past, even though that was and is never possible.

I feel like I involuntarily say this stuff. Sometimes I can catch myself but sometimes the though comes on so quick, I just end up saying something bad out loud. Has anyone else dealt with this?