i dont understand myself

i feel like im attention seeking, because i dont constantly want to harm myself, so i cut myself even when i dont feel the urge to do it, because i feel like im not "depressed enough" if i dont do it. whenever i see others talk about how much they do it or how deep they do it, it just makes me feel like i need to do the same, or else im faking my depression

i dont want to get clean, and i hate myself for it, i feel like if i get clean, i've been faking all of my issues since forever, that i've never suffered, i've just been seeking attention

i dont jnderstand why i dont want to get clean, i want myself to want to get clean but i'd rather keep doing this, to prove that im ill, to prove im suffering. the fact that i dont want to stop harming myself makes me feel like im just doing it for attention, but i feel like if i stop, it'd be because i was seeking attention by cutting, i dont understand

idk where im going with this, i just needed to get it out